My Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

How do I even begin to explain what an emotional rollercoaster week I have had.  The week started with my panic attacks on Monday & Tuesday (4 & 5 November) for an event the Bank was involved in on Wednesday & Thursday (6 & 7 November). My mobile phone decided to crash towards the end of the event, and I had to reset the phone, resulting in the loss of all Whatsapp chats, photos in my gallery, key personal info in my notes and telephone numbers. 

After feeling relieved that the event was over and my mobile phone was on the mend, I received shocking news just after having dinner.  My brother returned home and asked our father if he was following him the next morning.  I wasn’t really paying attention because I had not been sleeping well for 2 weeks, and all I wanted to do after dinner was sleep. 

But, God had other plans for me.  Suddenly Pari’s name was mentioned and I was like what? What happened? Then my brother and Iman both said, he passed away this morning and I was like WHAT?!?!?!? You see, Pari was my father’s driver.  But after years of service, he was no longer just the driver, he became part of the family, part of the household.  

When my father retired, he left work too and joined my father.  This is the time when he started to become part of the family.  He joined us for meals, he took care of everyone.  He became my friend, my advisor, my confidante.  He was Uncle Pari to my younger siblings Anna and Adly, but I called him by name because we were only 10 years apart in age and I discussed it with him.  I said can I call you Pari instead of Uncle, not because I don’t respect you but you are only 10 years older than me.  And he said sure, no problem. 

Back to the moment I found out he was no longer alive, I started to get this pain in my chest and a sting in my eyes.  I cleared my dinner and went upstairs.  Iman had said upon seeing my shock, “No wonder you didn’t say anything to us earlier”. How could I say anything about something I didn’t know right? So I went straight up to the bedroom, and started bawling my eyes out as soon as I opened the door. 

I have never cried like that for anyone but my late grandmother whom to me was like a mother.  Months before she passed away I had just broken down in sobs after Isyak prayers, and I had prayed to God to end her suffering.  I could not stand seeing her in the condition she was in.  She could not eat, she could not walk.  And each time I ate anything she liked I would feel huge lumps in my throat.  So on that night I prayed to God to end her suffering and in December the same year she passed away in her sleep. 

But Pari.  This was something else.  My crying and sobbing was not so much about him passing away.  It was more regret.  Regret on my part because I had planned to invite him and his family over for lunch one of these days.  He had just only friend requested us on FB (my sister Anna and I) a few months ago.  We were so happy he contacted us.  He was apparently also very happy he found us.  He had shared our photos with his family.  I cried until my chest hurt because I felt so bad for not making time to meet up with him and his family. 

How could I not have made the time? He always made time for us. He would do anything for us. But I guess it was just meant to be. He passed away while I was at my work event meaning had I known then I would be a wreck and I would have dropped everything then. I only found out after the event was over and I had eaten my dinner.  

Throughout the time I was crying, Inessa tried to comfort me but the pain was too real and the regret too hard for me.  I had lost a friend and I did not make time for him. That was a horrible feeling to have. 

At the same time Inessa was trying to tell me something and what she said next stopped my sobs and I stood up quickly.  “OK let’s go” I said.  While I was crying my heart out my sister had messaged her and said its time.  Her contractions were 10 minutes apart at that stage.  It was a bit past 10 pm. So Iman, Inessa and I left home to meet my sister Anna and her family at the hospital. We waited half an hour, and my sister was sent home. We went home too, disappointed and relieved at the same time. 

At 6.30-ish I received a call from my sister.  But it was her son Fee who spoke. And this is how the conversation went:

Fee: “Tita, Mami dah beranak.”

Me: “What???? Dah beranak? Macam mana? Dekat mana? Baby mana? Mami mana? Kenapa baby tak menangis?” (I literally sat up straight from my sleep when he told me)

Fee: “Ambulance lambat bertindak. Tak sampai2 lagi”. (He said this ever so calmly)

Me: “What do you mean lambat bertindak? Mana mami, panggil Mami” (In my mind I was thinking of everything negative but I could hear my sister talking to someone in the background and my BIL Eddie’s voice too) 

I finally managed to speak to my sister and she sounded normal.  So I told her OK we meet you at the hospital.  But on the way out I called again and told Eddie we will head on out to their place. The ambulance was still no where near them at that time.  It was a wet Friday morning and traffic along  Jelatek was a bi?£h. I wanted to make sure my sister and baby niece were safe. That’s all that mattered. 

Iman drove like a mad woman, somewhat safe but scary. When we reached there the ambulance had just arrived a few minutes earlier. I walked up the stairs and found one of the paramedics at the top of the stairs.  I asked what took them so long and he blamed it on the morning traffic.  In my mind I was going “siren mana siren? This is an emergency!!!” 

I found 2 nurses hovering over my sister, I didn’t even notice the baby who was wrapped in a blue cloth at her Mami’s feet. My nephew Fee and niece Zya were seated next to my sister Anna on the bed. The nurses were trying to help Anna deliver the placenta but it was not working.  Actually God is great.  Had the nurses tried any harder, they could have caused more harm than anything else.  True enough we found out they were not even midwives, just normal emergency ward nurses with no experience in birthing etc.  

So there we were, my sister in pain, my BIL worried as heck but acting calm, my daughters were also unsure what to do although I am sure Iman wanted to smackdown the nurses 😂. 

Anyway, there was then the question of can they send Anna to Gleneagles instead of their hospital since by calling 999, the ambulance came from the Health Ministry.  So they could only take her to their hospital.  Anna asked if they can take her to Gleneagles instead so there would be no hassle about transferring them to Gleneagles later. Thats when the back and forth started. First it was a no then it was a yes then back to no. I then told them look if you guys cannot take her there let me call Gleneagles so they can send an ambulance.  To which the nurse said wait let me talk to my supervisor.  

What angered me was that while they were all (ambulance driver, paramedic and nurses) were worried about their work procedures, they had forgotten their core responsibility.  They had forgotten about the safety of their patients. My sister was in bed with her legs wide open, placenta still inside and bleeding, baby was wrapped up but hungry and sucking on her long fingers.  

They were more concerned about their SOPs and who was going to take the nurse back to their  hospital.  I was like. “Look I will put you in a Grab afterwards” to which she responded “Ah sudah.  Ini waktu bekerja”. Ok you have work procedures.  But doesn’t your work procedure or offer letter state that as ambulance personnel or nurses, your key responsibility is to keep your patient/s safe? The nurse was more concerned about the forms she had to sign, how she was going back to work.  I mean hey, you came in an ambulance as a team, shouldn’t you then leave as a team?!?! 

My concern was that it was close to 8 am and the baby was a bit over an hour old, placenta was still in place and showing no signs of coming out. My sister was in pain and still bleeding.  Do you have any idea what sort of crazy ideas I had in my mind? I had just lost a friend the day before.  I was not ready to lose anyone else at that point in time. 

I did not want to waste anymore time so I called Gleneagles and explained the situation.  They said sure they will send an ambulance. But then the nurses said, its OK.  We can send her. But they have to fill in forms etc and I was like whatever I don’t give a flying F just get my sister and niece there NOW. So I informed Gleneagles we would be there soon. 

To cut a very long story short, we arrived at Gleneagles shortly before 9 am, the placenta was out at 10.30 am, with both mother and baby safe.  Syukur Alhamdulillah. 

So there you go.  Tough past week, but life goes on.  An important lesson learnt with Pari’s passing is to never take things for granted. Time is precious and what God has planned will happen, you cannot change things yourself. So make time for what is important, don’t ever say there’s a next time because maybe there isn’t and regret is a horrible feeling to have.  

Till my next posting, let’s make full use of our time OK?